Yes, I said all of these things. Each of these remarks were dutifully documented by my
work mates, Carolyn and Matt. Thank you. I now possess some sort of weird twisted legacy.
"I like my butt cheeks in my pants, thank you very much. "
"Park as far from the door as possible and hump your fat ass. "
" What is it, are fat kids on spring break right now? The only kids I saw in
I was like, "All right, I guess they got the day off." "
"Riff-raff use wire hangers. "
"People rinse their noses? I'm in trouble because I have 41 years of unrinsed nose."
"I allowed Barbie to play with GI Joe when I was a kid as long as she showed up naked.
"GI Joe's had a long tour of duty. Come on, sweetie.""
"Damn it's hot out. When I left home I was wearing briefs. Now they're a thong."
"Mary and Joseph did it. They did it all the time. And after Jesus was born they did it again!"
"Where do you go to get exotic eggs? I want to eat the eggs of other animals. "
"I got to say 'Hell no!' to the brownies this weekend. "
"I use the bathroom beyond its normal use. "
"If I was Lithuanian, I'd have a cow. "
"Skirt steak: It's like two of my favorite things stuck together. Skirts and steaks. "
"We all know that dogs only say one thing: "Hey!" "
"They won't let me do porn. It just makes everyone else look so bad. "
"If you're short, and you shave your head, and you're feminine -- that's gay. "
"Isaac Newton was a big groin-thruster. That's where Elvis got it from. "
"Who thought to eat that? You see something come out a chicken's ass and the first thing that comes to mind is 'Pop it in your mouth'? "
"I'm so happy to be a functioning alcoholic. "
"I'm a big nut and screw guy. "
"What is it with yarn that just makes you look old? "
"I didn't know you wore tweed when hunting pheasant... "
"What's more fair than 'Rock, Paper, Scissors?' "
"I don't know why everyone has such a problem with me preforming surgery on them. "
"You're looking at a man who's thinking so fast, the computer can't keep up. "
"I was a studly little kid. All the women on my [paper] route wanted me. "
"When in doubt, perform a tracheotomy. "
"I'm a one-man demolition team. I don't play around. Unless I'm playing around."
"I'm trying to figure out what to eat... maybe something dead. I didn't have anything dead yesterday."
"Guns have to get cleaned eventually sweety, sorry it just has to coincide with your every date."
"Every time they locked [the A-team] up, they locked them in a machine factory. You'd think they'd be like,
'Make sure there isn't a welder or a lathe in there.'"
"How is that something that you do during the course of the day? And they're always doing it:
Picking each others' butts. F*@king stupid monkeys."
"Hey, come on, did you ever see a giraffe's ass? that's a nice ass. those long legs... oooo yeah. "
"You know how soft it is back there? It's the softest place on earth. You just want to
rub your face on it. I know, I've touched a duck's butt."
"I noticed on the way up here today that 90% of Americans don't walk; they waddle."
"So, someone died on the train today. Held us up for 45 minutes. Put the body on the platform and let's get on with our lives."
"If you're gonna have tourism in a poor country, could you hide the poor people?"
"I'm not saying 'rid the planet of old people'. Put 'em to use!"
"I'm going to go home and play video games. I have a castle to defend."
"I don't think that anything that lets you ride on its back or fetches is all that bright."
"When I get up to top speed, cheetahs take note."
"You should be able to kick people in the ass."
"There are a whole lot of things that give off radiation, like corn."
"Have you ever vacuumed out your oven? Because I have."
"My mom made me give some damn good toys to the orphans."
"There's a disease that boys get where they eat themselves."
"I'm planning on using some meat hooks as plant hangers. "
"Lon, I don't want you to be the old man on the block that all the kids hate. "
"The Catholic church needs to do something and something quick."
"Pop Tarts and Tang. Official trail food of 'The Machine'."
"I don't like much in the way of change."
"I've been hit by so many cars. That's why meat doesn't scare me."
"Debris! I love debris! "
"I didn't poke anything. I didn't poke a thing. "
"You can't spell 'Love' without 'Lego'. "
"Oh, it would be great to get the Lit-tle Children stoned! "
"Wow, enemas are cheap! 89 cents gets you an enema. "
"Me, Matt and the Mexicans can do anything for half the price. "
"Giraffes have the nicest asses of any animal in the animal kingdom. How big is giraffe poo? "
"I sent a kid home without eyelashes once. "
"Say 'hi' to my guy, because my guy is saying 'hi' to you."
"Did you ever see 450 pissed off midgets? They’re ravenous. Eat your feet off."
"What's the deal with people, why can't they keep their clothes on? There's a lot of girls' butt cracks I don't want to see.
And I know I don't want to see any guy's butt crack. "
"A girl starts talking "baby" to me, wanting to be romantic, my wood just went south."
"Women exaggerate about a billion times a day. "
"As a Mormon you have, about, six seconds to wash your private parts and then you have to move on."
"I am not the problem on the roadway. "
"You should not be allowed to walk in public if your sideways motion outweighs your forward motion. "
"You're driving a $40,000 vehicle with a cell phone pressed to your ear. What? You can't afford a $30 hands free set. "
"The first thing you do is hit it with a hammer; unless of course, dropping it is more convenient."
"I'm now; Tom Albi yelling at people."
"When you talk to me, don't use the word 'just'; because I'm 'just' going to slap you."
"I named my Jeep Meir. Nobody has died on board, but things sometimes get a bit dicey."
"I don't think the yellow traffic light serves a purpose anymore."
"Escalator etiquette dictates; left side walks right side you’re a slug. Stop being a slug in the left lane."
"When I had my tonsils out; the operation was performed at the Motel 8 of hospitals."
"Plaster walls are the suckiest invention ever."
"If you coddle your cell phone; you have serious issues."
"Go ahead; eat over my laptop."
"Think twice before kissing
"I'm smilling on the inside."
"There is a long list of
things I'm not willing to live with. Diapers for one."
"If you're not supposed to
stick Q-Tips in your ears, what the hell good are they."
"It's not a clicker; it's a
"I'm not trying to be a pain
in your ass; it comes naturally."
"I like fruit. Especially
ass fruit; like Peaches and Plums."
"I am going to go out and abuse some homeless people tonight and feel much better in the morning."
"People should not be
getting a tax brake for procreating. Kids cost about a half a million
bucks a pop. If anything parents should be in a higher tax bracket."